I'm writing this Q&A about my faith transition because I've had a few people ask me these questions and I believe that when one person asks a question, others probably wonder the same thing but fear asking. I just did questions I've heard several times, but I welcome other questions.
Q: How does Chris feel?
A: He could answer this better than I can, but in my own judgment, he is adjusting to my changes reasonably well. He still believes the LDS church is true, and being in a mixed-faith marriage that neither of us anticipated would become mixed-faith is definitely a challenge, but I think we are handling it pretty well. If anything, I think our relationship has improved over the past year.
Q: Do you still go to church?
A: Yes. I typically go to nursery with my kids. Sometimes I also make it to sacrament meeting, if we are ready on time. For the time being, I have agreed to go with Chris. I can't say how long this will continue, because I don't know.
Q: Why did you leave? Did you stop reading your scriptures and praying, is that why?
A: That isn't why. I read the scriptures all the way through as a teen, and never really stopped reading them. I even still read them some now, but without the guilt if I miss a day. In fact, when I noticed my beliefs changing, my first act was to diligently increase scripture study and prayer, but I actually ran into more issues that caused me to question even more. I don't want to describe all of the things that led to my change in perspective/belief in detail on here, but I will provide a list of some of the things that have affected me most, and you can google them or ask me if you want to know more. I am going to put the list at the end of this so you can stop reading before it, because it's got a lot of things you may not wish to explore.
Q: What does this mean for your children?
A: That is something we will continue to navigate as they grow. Most of you probably knew of kids where one parent went to one church (even LDS probably) and one went to another, or to no church, or something like that. Our kids are still young, so we are really still figuring this out. Right now they go to nursery with me, like I said.
Q: What do you believe?
A: In the church I learned to say "I know" when expressing my beliefs because "a testimony is to be found in the bearing of it." But I don't like that anymore, I don't like to hear "I know" and I don't like to say it, unless it is something basic and obviously true like "I know that I love my children." So...I believe in a God or a higher power of some sort and if it's a man-god I think there is probably also a woman-god who is a Goddess and they are equal partners. I believe in being kind and loving and accepting. I believe in being honest. I believe in working hard. I believe in equality, in men and women being equal, in people of all races and sexual orientations and gender identities being equal. I believe in seeking knowledge, and learning what we can. I believe Jesus lived and that He is a good example of kindness and goodness to follow. I believe in finding a path for yourself that works for you and in being genuine and true to what you feel is right. I believe in spiritual gifts like prophecy and healing, and believe that those gifts can show up in anyone (men and women, of all religions or no religion, etc.) and that there may be many people at a time possessing these gifts. I hope there is a life after death and I believe if there is, we will get to be with the people we love whether we are sealed to them or not, and I believe we won't be forced to be with people we don't want to be with even if we are sealed to them. I believe much inspiration can be found in the scriptures as well as in other places, like movies, good talks, good books. I have no idea if Jesus was the Son of God in any more of a sense than any of us are children of God or not. I don't know which parts of the bible are literal history and which parts are more allegorical or legend. I believe that I have plenty of time to figure out what I believe and that it doesn't need to all be figured right now.
Q: But you used to have a testimony, didn't you? I mean, didn't you get that confirmation that the church was true?
A: I used to firmly believe the teachings of the church were true, or at least, the ones I believed were true ;) yes. I also unconsciously re-wrote things that I thought weren't true, without realizing that that meant I wasn't completely orthodox. For example, I have never believed that Mormons will be the only ones in the highest degree of heaven (if there are different degrees), or that it's important to use "thee" etc. in prayers, or that I need to pray on my knees, or that I will need to speak to God through my husband. A lot of things, though, I did believe in and have changed my belief. My beliefs are based in fact and feeling, and those two need to agree for me to really believe something. I can feel good about a test I took and end up failing it, do you think I will still believe I did well on the test because of my feelings? The facts and feelings must align for me to continue believing. Even Mormon scripture teaches that we will know in our mind and in our heart. Also, feelings can change. Take any divorced person's word for it. Please do not take my insistence that my feelings have changed on the matter to mean I expect yours to also change. I expect no such change and support you in whatever belief system you choose to follow (barring really crazy things like human sacrifice, obviously).
Q: Do you have support?
A: Yes. Lots! I am in two Facebook groups with people who understand what I'm going through, I have several friends who have various beliefs that I feel comfortable talking with, and I'm becoming more and more open with Chris. I have books I am reading and more lined up to read, I've got podcasts I've listened to and more lined up to listen to, and so much love in my life. Thank you for caring! I have room for your support too.
Q: Can I talk about what I believe?
A: Yes. Even if it's different from what I believe. I am not open to people trying to persuade me to "come back to the fold," but I am definitely cool with you believing whatever you believe, and telling me about it if you want. But I don't like it when people say "I know" about things they can't know... ;)
Q: Are you angry at the church?
A: Not really. I was for a while, but I'm not really now. I'm more intrigued. I have spent most of my life refusing to read anything about the church not written by the church, and now that I've allowed myself to read any of it that I want, I find myself engrossed in learning things about the church and its history. And it's not all "anti," either. I have really enjoyed reading and listening to a wide spectrum of things regarding the church. Satisfying my need for knowledge has been healing too, in that it helps me sort through a lot of confusion and hurt.
Q: Are you ever coming back?
A: I think if you've got this far, you probably know that I'm probably not.
Q: Are you going to have your name removed from church records?
A: I have no immediate plans to do so.
Q: Can I ask you a personal question?
A: Yes, you sure can. I may even answer it. Ask away.
Stop reading here if you don't want to see my list of things that have changed my mind. Love you!
Here's a reasonably comprehensive list of things that have contributed to my change in beliefs: claims to be "the only true church," the Enos problem, the incongruencies between D&C 89 and the Word of Wisdom as currently practiced (which we teach as being "from" D&C 89), the November policy change and the LDS church's stance on LGBTQIA+ issues generally, lack of women leadership, sexism generally in the church, victim blaming especially making victims of sexual abuse repent, the methods we use to proselyte, Joseph Smith didn't use the plates to translate but instead looked in a hat, Joseph Smith didn't translate the Book of Abraham, having looked at Joseph Smith's Egyptian number system (I know the actual Egyptian number system) in his own hand I don't believe he could translate at all, grammatical issues with Joseph Smith's "King James" version of speech that was meant to be from God, why did he use King James speech at all, vast numbers of errors in the current Book of Mormon including anachronisms and grammatical issues even after hundreds of errors have been fixed, learning about Joseph's contemporary sources such as Antiquities of Freemasonry that he borrowed from to create various scriptures, the murky origins and the actual printing of D&C 132, the way Joseph Smith approached polygamy and treated Emma, the way the prophets since have treated polygamy and still do, the cover-ups of blood atonement and Adam-god theories of Brigham Young, the inequality I have felt in the temple (as a woman), the inadequate explanations of why people leave the church.
4 comments:
I came across your blog through two of our mutual friends- Katie staples & Mary Beth decker- I have spent the last 3 years working through what I called my faith crisis, and ultimately had to leave the church. Your list looks a whole lot like my list and I finally reached point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I admire your ability to put yourself out there the way you have, my my parents and siblings have been told (and initial reactions were hard) but no other friends or relatives, I hope I can talk to them eventually. Thankfully my husband and I are on the same page, I wish you luck on that journey with your husband. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, it's nice to know I am not either!
Xoxo,
Kalin Armstrong
(This Google account and connected blog is super old but alas it's the only way to leave a comment)
As always, I appreciate your authenticity and the marvelous way you speak! Thank you for sharing these personal things. Love your guts!
When I read an entire box full of anti-Mormon literature, I was, understandably, upset. Then my non-member son saw how upset I was and he made a comment that made perfect sense: "Mom, those people have uncovered a wonderful way to make tons of money and get a lot of people to go against your religion all at the same time. Keep that in mind when you read their stuff, Mom!" I had even attended the churches of these anti-Mormon folks for many years. I well knew how they made their money. I know how they talked about many other religions, and it wasn't pretty. That's when I collected my box of anti-Mormon literature and gave it to a friend of ours who was in the Stake Presidency at the time. He never got to read them. I had left them on his desk, and they simply disappeared before he had a chance to even see them. Weird. Later, I read one more anti-Mormon book that had chosen Gordon B. Hinckley as it's subject. It made him out to be practically a criminal. It was so biased, so slanted. I was disgusted. After that book, I was done with anti-Mormon literature because I decided I had a lot better things to do with my time, such as homeschooling my kids.
Marcia, many people, like myself, have no need for anti-Mormon literature, we find plenty we disagree with contained on LDS.org. I have made my decision to step back based on reading the scriptures and other literature on LDS.org. After years of therapy working through multiple things I have a hard time finding LDS approved text that is comforting and affirming. So, stepping back is authentic to my truth and many others, and I believe I have reached this point through counsel from my Heavenly Father.
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