I hate missing work.

I hate missing work as a teacher. I'll work through most illnesses because it's terrible to write substitute plans and then come back and the kids didn't learn anything. But sometimes I have to miss work. Here's my story:

Yesterday at work I started feeling kind of sick. By 3rd period I was too weak to walk around, and at the end of 3rd I was in immense pain, just where the ribs meet but inside.The pain was constant and stabby, but worse when I took a deep breath (like when I was crying). I was crying and shaking and terribly weak and kind of dizzy and nauseated. A teacher found me and called for help, and I was walked downstairs. My husband came to pick me up, since I couldn't drive, and I went straight to the doctor.

At the doctor, they examined me by poking around a bit and checking my vitals. I felt pain when they poked at my left side, but not at the place where I was feeling pain regularly. I had a slight fever of 100 degrees and white blood cells in my urine. They gave me a shot of Demerol and Phenergan for pain and nausea, and one of Toradol (an anti-inflammatory). The shots worked, in that I was no longer in immense pain after the meds kicked in, but the shots made me dizzy and motion sick, so while my mom wheeled me to the blood lab, I almost passed out - pins and needles, ringing in ears, the doctor came back out to help me. I laid down for a bit and ate fruit snacks because I hoped if I had some sugar I would be able to make it downstairs to the lab. My mom wheeled me so slowly, with some breaks, that I made it. I had 3 tubes of blood drawn, and again got super dizzy and felt like passing out. This is a typical reaction for me to have to needles. I don't know why. I'm not scared of them, but my body just thinks I have to lose consciousness around them.

After recovering a bit I got wheeled over to imaging and drank a contrast liquid (radioactive grape juice that tastes like poison) before going in for an abdominal CT scan. After that, I went home and slept like a zombie for many hours.

Today, I'm exhausted, and didn't go to work, but I'm feeling so much improved. I'm not in pain, just tired. And I'm coherent enough to have understood my results (which they read me yesterday, but I didn't know what was going on, and I forgot everything). Here they are:

-I'm slightly anemic, low white blood cells, so there may be an infection.
-Urine culture should tell more about infection when it's finished.
-No signs of issues with pancreas.
-Liver and kidneys look good.
-No signs of kidney stones, gall stones, appendicitis, or bowel infection on CT.
-Slight increase of right kidney cyst but nothing "concerning" (huh?!).
-Lymph nodes and pelvic organs look ok.
-I was prescribed Carafate Slurry (an ulcer medicine) and Omeprazole (a heartburn medicine) and told to avoid NSAIDS like Advil and Aleeve for a while.
-Waiting to hear back on H. Pylori test (a bacteria that indicates ulcers).
-If I become lightheaded or dizzy or throw up blood I am go to to the E.R.
-When I asked if they checked for blood clots in my lungs because my sister said that is what hers felt like, they said no, and recommended if the pain comes back I return for a chest CT scan at the doctor's office to check for that.

Whew! Can I go get a free doughnut now? And some prescriptions, I guess.

Faith Transition Q&A

I'm writing this Q&A about my faith transition because I've had a few people ask me these questions and I believe that when one person asks a question, others probably wonder the same thing but fear asking. I just did questions I've heard several times, but I welcome other questions.

Q: How does Chris feel?
A: He could answer this better than I can, but in my own judgment, he is adjusting to my changes reasonably well. He still believes the LDS church is true, and being in a mixed-faith marriage that neither of us anticipated would become mixed-faith is definitely a challenge, but I think we are handling it pretty well. If anything, I think our relationship has improved over the past year.

Q: Do you still go to church?
A: Yes. I typically go to nursery with my kids. Sometimes I also make it to sacrament meeting, if we are ready on time. For the time being, I have agreed to go with Chris. I can't say how long this will continue, because I don't know.

Q: Why did you leave? Did you stop reading your scriptures and praying, is that why?
A: That isn't why. I read the scriptures all the way through as a teen, and never really stopped reading them. I even still read them some now, but without the guilt if I miss a day. In fact, when I noticed my beliefs changing, my first act was to diligently increase scripture study and prayer, but I actually ran into more issues that caused me to question even more. I don't want to describe all of the things that led to my change in perspective/belief in detail on here, but I will provide a list of some of the things that have affected me most, and you can google them or ask me if you want to know more. I am going to put the list at the end of this so you can stop reading before it, because it's got a lot of things you may not wish to explore.

Q: What does this mean for your children?
A: That is something we will continue to navigate as they grow. Most of you probably knew of kids where one parent went to one church (even LDS probably) and one went to another, or to no church, or something like that. Our kids are still young, so we are really still figuring this out. Right now they go to nursery with me, like I said.

Q: What do you believe?
A: In the church I learned to say "I know" when expressing my beliefs because "a testimony is to be found in the bearing of it." But I don't like that anymore, I don't like to hear "I know" and I don't like to say it, unless it is something basic and obviously true like "I know that I love my children." So...I believe in a God or a higher power of some sort and if it's a man-god I think there is probably also a woman-god who is a Goddess and they are equal partners. I believe in being kind and loving and accepting. I believe in being honest. I believe in working hard. I believe in equality, in men and women being equal, in people of all races and sexual orientations and gender identities being equal. I believe in seeking knowledge, and learning what we can. I believe Jesus lived and that He is a good example of kindness and goodness to follow. I believe in finding a path for yourself that works for you and in being genuine and true to what you feel is right. I believe in spiritual gifts like prophecy and healing, and believe that those gifts can show up in anyone (men and women, of all religions or no religion, etc.) and that there may be many people at a time possessing these gifts. I hope there is a life after death and I believe if there is, we will get to be with the people we love whether we are sealed to them or not, and I believe we won't be forced to be with people we don't want to be with even if we are sealed to them. I believe much inspiration can be found in the scriptures as well as in other places, like movies, good talks, good books. I have no idea if Jesus was the Son of God in any more of a sense than any of us are children of God or not. I don't know which parts of the bible are literal history and which parts are more allegorical or legend. I believe that I have plenty of time to figure out what I believe and that it doesn't need to all be figured right now.

Q: But you used to have a testimony, didn't you? I mean, didn't you get that confirmation that the church was true?
A: I used to firmly believe the teachings of the church were true, or at least, the ones I believed were true ;) yes. I also unconsciously re-wrote things that I thought weren't true, without realizing that that meant I wasn't completely orthodox. For example, I have never believed that Mormons will be the only ones in the highest degree of heaven (if there are different degrees), or that it's important to use "thee" etc. in prayers, or that I need to pray on my knees, or that I will need to speak to God through my husband. A lot of things, though, I did believe in and have changed my belief. My beliefs are based in fact and feeling, and those two need to agree for me to really believe something. I can feel good about a test I took and end up failing it, do you think I will still believe I did well on the test because of my feelings? The facts and feelings must align for me to continue believing. Even Mormon scripture teaches that we will know in our mind and in our heart. Also, feelings can change. Take any divorced person's word for it. Please do not take my insistence that my feelings have changed on the matter to mean I expect yours to also change. I expect no such change and support you in whatever belief system you choose to follow (barring really crazy things like human sacrifice, obviously).

Q: Do you have support?
A: Yes. Lots! I am in two Facebook groups with people who understand what I'm going through, I have several friends who have various beliefs that I feel comfortable talking with, and I'm becoming more and more open with Chris. I have books I am reading and more lined up to read, I've got podcasts I've listened to and more lined up to listen to, and so much love in my life. Thank you for caring! I have room for your support too.

Q: Can I talk about what I believe?
A: Yes. Even if it's different from what I believe. I am not open to people trying to persuade me to "come back to the fold," but I am definitely cool with you believing whatever you believe, and telling me about it if you want. But I don't like it when people say "I know" about things they can't know... ;)

Q: Are you angry at the church?
A: Not really. I was for a while, but I'm not really now. I'm more intrigued. I have spent most of my life refusing to read anything about the church not written by the church, and now that I've allowed myself to read any of it that I want, I find myself engrossed in learning things about the church and its history. And it's not all "anti," either. I have really enjoyed reading and listening to a wide spectrum of things regarding the church. Satisfying my need for knowledge has been healing too, in that it helps me sort through a lot of confusion and hurt.

Q: Are you ever coming back?
A: I think if you've got this far, you probably know that I'm probably not.

Q: Are you going to have your name removed from church records?
A: I have no immediate plans to do so.

Q: Can I ask you a personal question?
A: Yes, you sure can. I may even answer it. Ask away.

Stop reading here if you don't want to see my list of things that have changed my mind. Love you!




Here's a reasonably comprehensive list of things that have contributed to my change in beliefs: claims to be "the only true church," the Enos problem,  the incongruencies between D&C 89 and the Word of Wisdom as currently practiced (which we teach as being "from" D&C 89), the November policy change and the LDS church's stance on LGBTQIA+ issues generally, lack of women leadership, sexism generally in the church, victim blaming especially making victims of sexual abuse repent, the methods we use to proselyte, Joseph Smith didn't use the plates to translate but instead looked in a hat, Joseph Smith didn't translate the Book of Abraham, having looked at Joseph Smith's Egyptian number system (I know the actual Egyptian number system) in his own hand I don't believe he could translate at all, grammatical issues with Joseph Smith's "King James" version of speech that was meant to be from God, why did he use King James speech at all, vast numbers of errors in the current Book of Mormon including anachronisms and grammatical issues even after hundreds of errors have been fixed, learning about Joseph's contemporary sources such as Antiquities of Freemasonry that he borrowed from to create various scriptures, the murky origins and the actual printing of D&C 132, the way Joseph Smith approached polygamy and treated Emma, the way the prophets since have treated polygamy and still do, the cover-ups of blood atonement and Adam-god theories of Brigham Young, the inequality I have felt in the temple (as a woman), the inadequate explanations of why people leave the church.

Homebirth of Molly (2nd child, 2nd homebirth)

I believed this baby would be born a few days after her due date, because Roger was 5 days after his. When I started having a couple episodes of uncomfortable contractions a week before her due date, though, I started thinking she might come sooner than Roger had. Every day I woke up thinking “she could come today!” and went to bed thinking “I will be pregnant for 3 more months. Or maybe forever.”

My job likes to know when my last day there will be, so I chose one – the Friday after my due date. The next Monday, I threw Roger a little birthday party to keep myself sane, and because it was his 2^nd birthday, and mostly because I was still pregnant. Tuesday it was a little harder to not go crazy, but I had ballet class to look forward to. Yeah, I went to ballet class when I was 41 weeks pregnant. The worst part of Tuesday, though, was that I didn’t feel the baby moving hardly at all, and it was freaking me out. I was trying to discern whether I was imagining the lack of movement because I felt like she was so late or if I should actually be concerned. I finally decided to tell Melody, my midwife, and she came to check up on me that night.

By the time Melody got to my house, I had felt the baby move more, but not as vigorously as normal. Also, I had been crying hysterically for no apparent reason, but had calmed myself down. When she listened to the baby’s heart and all seemed fine, I started crying again, and couldn’t stop. She noted that I was having regular contractions. I said “well, I know, I’ve been having them all day, but they don’t hurt.” She said she was pretty sure I was in labor. I just kept crying…which she said was probably because of the hormonal change. I let her check me, and she said I was 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced. I still wasn’t sure she was right about me being in labor. When I was in labor with Roger, she called it before I could tell, so I was willing to sort of buy it this time too – at least enough to tell my doula, my mom and my photographer. I found out my photographer was going to be at her grandmother’s funeral for the majority of the following day, so I a) freaked out a little bit, and b) convinced myself (sort of) that I wasn’t in labor and wouldn’t have the baby without a photographer. Then I went to sleep.

I woke up at 2 in the morning and I could feel the contractions, although they weren’t really painful. I was starting to accept that I was probably in labor, so I posted a facebook status that I was “probably” in labor…I thought that would be a good way to keep people in the loop without waking them up, and by the time they woke up I knew I might not feel like being on facebook. I also started panicking in earnest about having a photographer, and reached out on a group on facebook. I drifted in and out of sleep, in my bed and in my bathtub, for several hours. When I woke up for real (with a toddler in my face saying “up! Up!”), I checked back on facebook and had several options for photographers, so I felt I could relax. Besides, labor seemed to be going pretty slowly, so I was feeling like maybe my original plan would work out after all. I checked in with my mom, doula, midwife, and photographer and let them know I definitely was in labor but didn’t need anything yet and was sure it would be many more hours before I delivered. I remembered quite vividly how I had called everyone over too early with Roger and how they’d all gone home in the middle of my labor. I wanted to be more considerate of their time this time and also have them there and alert for the later part of my labor, not the early part that I could manage myself quite easily.

At 10:00, Roger had playgroup, but I didn’t want to take him. In fact, it was about that time I started feeling like I couldn’t take care of anyone but myself. Later, when we were trying to decide when “active labor” started, this was probably the best we could think of, because everything seemed so gradual. So at 10:00, my sweet neighbor Jennifer took Roger to playgroup and I went to contact my doula, Natalie. Natalie was already arranging to come over even though I hadn’t told her to. She’s very intuitive. She arrived around 10:40 and immediately got to work doing counter pressure on my lower back. I didn’t tell her what to do…I don’t think I would have known. She just knew when it was coming, pushed on my back, and went back to normal conversation with me in between contractions, which was perfect for me.

While Roger was away, I labored and got things ready (with a lot of help from Chris). I had Chris clean the tub so the blankets we lined it with wouldn’t get dirty (it had been in our shed for a little while). We put pillows all over the bottoms of the tub, then blankets on the bottoms and sides, then plastic. Chris hooked up the hose to our sink and we started filling it. Then Natalie and Chris pulled the plastic tight and taped around the edge with duct tape. The result was a very large, firm on the outside, cushy on the inside, birthing pool. I got changed and got in. The water was very nice. Natalie put a pillow in a trash bag for me to rest my head on and suggested I start listening to Lauralyn Curtis' hypnobirthing tracks, which were really great. My mom came over and cooked me (and Natalie, and Roger) scrambled eggs on toast – because Roger got home around then. Then she took him outside, which he loved, and he came back a few hours later to tell me about the machines he saw – there’s construction going on somewhere nearby.

With Natalie there doing counterpressure on my back, and later on my hips, contractions were quite manageable, even easy. We talked between each one, and during the contraction I breathed, Natalie reminded me to relax, breathe all the way in and out, and open. She did this quietly and breathed with me sometimes, and I could hear the hypnobirthing tracks in the background. I ignored them between contractions, but during each contraction I focused a lot on what they were saying. They very often described just what was happening. We kept skipping the fear release one, because it kept talking about things getting smaller, and we didn’t want anything to get smaller. Melody (midwife) came by and noted that I was “working hard.” I seemed very relaxed, so she explained to Natalie that she hadn’t seen me work much harder than this last time. It’s just how I labor.

Melody called an attendant I’d never met – Raili – to come and monitor the baby’s heart rate while Melody went to a prenatal appointment she had with another mom. I knew I still had time, so I didn’t mind her leaving. Besides, I had Natalie and the hypnobirthing scripts. I had Melody check me again and she said I was 5 cm and fully effaced. I thought it would be a good time to tell Amy (my photographer) to come – and thankfully, the funeral was over and she was able to come.

My mom came home with Roger, who was being cute and loving with me. Amy arrived at close to 6 pm, and Melody came back. Labor was getting more intense and I was feeling pretty great about having my whole team assembled there. Melody checked me again, and I was 7 cm and went to an 8 during the check. Melody also called another attendant, Nat, to come – this was an attendant I had met before. It was kind of a party. We had me, Chris, Roger, my mom, Melody, Natalie, Amy, Nat, and Raili all there. People came in and out of the room – I guess 9 people in a bedroom is a lot. I labored. Natalie labored with me…probably harder than I did. As labor progressed, it was nice to have more than one set of hands on me doing counter-pressure on my back and hips, then later on my back, hips, and knees. She directed all of this, with everyone having a turn helping out. She also mostly kept Chris in line – he is prone to making inappropriate jokes at all times.

Also, Natalie was going to take a break and nurse her little girl, but something happened – she didn’t say what, just that everything would be fine. She didn’t seem fine, but she went right back to work. I later found out that her sweet doggy died that night. I can’t really express how grateful I am that she was able to stay with me and help me have a baby when I imagine she wanted to go cry and be with her family – I would have wanted to, if it was my pet. I love her even more for that sacrifice, and I’m so sorry that it happened at all.

Roger, in all the excitement, had refused to nap until around 7 pm. My mom finally got him to sleep. I was slightly concerned about this as a nap time, but it ended up being really good because we were up so late with the birth anyway. Around 9:45, I had to go to the bathroom, and then I threw up. I was pretty sure I knew what that meant: transition. I asked to be checked again. Melody wanted me to be in a squatting position, so we got my back against one side of the tub and my feet on the floor of the tub. Melody said I was complete…and while she was checking me, I felt the urge to push. 

Pushing is so intense! The whole time I was laboring, everything Natalie told me and that the hypnobirthing scripts said felt easy to do…relax, breathe, open. While pushing though, I kept saying “I can’t! I can’t! Wait, yes, maybe I can. I can!” and I would push, and relax and breathe the best I could, and then I’d have a little break, and then we’d do it all over again. I say “we” because I feel like it was really a team effort. There was so much involvement, with people telling me to breathe or make low sounds, giving counterpressure, and Chris supporting me from behind so I would be able to stay in a good position.

It was amazing because I could feel the baby descending while I pushed, then go back up a little, but not as far as she was, and then come farther down during the next contraction. It was also amazing because I got to feel my water bag with my hand. It felt similar to one of those big marble colored bouncy balls they sell at Walmart. I suppose it was much squishier before it was to the point where I could touch it. I was glad it lasted so long, because I had been GBS positive, and while I was hopeful that the suppositories Melody provided me had killed it, I knew that in any case the longer this little baby was in her water bag, the less of a chance she would have to get any infection. Then, a few minutes before she was born, it finally broke. I remember feeling a surge of power and energy to get the baby out, and needed less support from Chris. And I could feel her come out, and I was so happy! She was born at 10:17 pm.

We didn’t want her to be cold, so we got me out of the water and stripped off the wet clothes. Her cord was short, so she couldn’t really reach much of me – pretty much just my legs – but I could touch her and she was here! I laid on the bed and was covered with towels. I couldn’t see her very well, but it felt so great to be able to touch her soft skin. After a little while, Melody asked if we could cut the cord. I asked if it had stopped pulsing, and it had, so I told Chris to go cut it, and I watched. I could finally hold my baby and see her face! I remember thinking she looked so different than Roger had, and Chris said she looked like such a little girl. That made me happy. I tried nursing, and she immediately latched on like a little pro. Chris went and got Roger, who was so, so sweet about meeting Molly. He wanted to give her a kiss and just touch her and be with her.

While I lay there nursing Molly, Melody attacked me with lidocaine, and I screamed like a banshee. I’m great at birthing…not great at lidocaine and stitches. Then I felt a different pain, and screamed some more, and demanded to know what was being done to me. Melody said “well, you screamed so much we gave up on the lidocaine, so that was a stitch. We could try the lidocaine again or just finish the stitches. There are 4 more to do. It will probably be faster if we just do the stitches.” I told her to just do the stitches, and screamed the whole time. I was really grateful to have torn so much less than last time, because lidocaine and stitches are definitely the worst part of birth. Really the only horrible part. Anyway, it was finally done, and before I even birthed the placenta – which came out easily enough. Finally it was snuggle time.

Chris really wanted to hold Molly, and Molly really wanted to nurse for the rest of her life. So I told him to just snuggle up to her while she nursed. That was pretty fun. After a while, Amy told me she needed to get home and wanted to know if I wanted pictures of the weighing and measuring. I did, so I sent someone to go get Melody so we could do that. When Molly was having her newborn checkup, she cried, and little Roger’s heart broke. He could not stand seeing her cry and clung to Grandma and cried his heart out about it. It was so sweet! Molly was 7 lbs, 6 oz, and 20 ¼” long.

I feel so good about this birth. It was such a wonderful experience for me. I wanted to better utilize the hypnobirthing scripts, and I did. I wanted to not call people over too early, and I feel like I did pretty well on that. I wanted to not tear, and I tore very little. I wanted to be able to better control the pushing and go slower, and I did. I wanted to give birth in the water, and I did. I wanted to feel strong and capable for the last part, and I did. I do not know if it is possible to be more satisfied with labor and birth. When I say satisfied, I don’t mean like “satisfactory,” I mean more like how chocolate satisfies a chocolate craving. It just feels so good in every way. That’s how this birth was – so good in every way.

Pregnant again

I just wanted to write a quick update: I am pregnant again, this time with a girl. Due in April, right around Roger's 2nd birthday.

I'm planning to have her at home, just like I had Roger at home. 

What I hope to be the same: I hope to be as relaxed and peaceful as I was last time, or more. I hope to have my husband just as involved. I hope to have as good of an outcome or better, with a healthy baby, a healthy mom, and no real complications. I hope to have my placenta encapsulated again. I hope to breastfeed effectively and exclusively again.

What I hope to be different: I hope my toddler will be able to feel included as much as he likes and happy about meeting his sister. I hope having hired a doula will make labor go even better than last time. I hope my midwife is well and not feverish this time. I hope to not tear and to recover more quickly. I hope to remember to be more consistent in taking my placenta pills so I will maintain my energy and happiness. I hope my little girl will not have a heart defect, even though Roger is doing so well with his. I hope the first month of breastfeeding will be an easier transition this time. I hope to birth in the water this time. 

And with that, I will say, happy new year! 

F.A.Q. about homebirth

When I told people I was going to have baby Roger at home, a lot of people asked questions. I answered the best I could, but I think I can answer better now. The only problem is I'm not sure if I remember all the questions. If you have any other questions, let me know in a comment and I'll update the post with my answer.

*I have decided to edit this post to include sources other than my own experience and knowledge.

Q) How do you deal with the pain?
A) I took hypnobirthing classes and stayed relaxed. I didn't want an epidural anyway, and being at home allowed me to be more relaxed. The more tense you are, the more pain you will experience. Most of my labor was very relaxed. One of the best helps for me was the pressure points that my husband and mother used that we all learned about in "Daddy Doula" training. The most intense part, where there was actual pain, was the pushing part, and it only lasted about 10-15 minutes. The most pain I experienced that day was getting the lidocaine shots so I could get stitched up. I was screaming for that part. My hypnobirthing instructor keeps track of her mothers (clients), and reports that even though most of her clients birth in a hospital where they have the option of an epidural, 82% of them (as of 1/1/2015) labor and birth without any pain medications or epidurals.

Q) Won't it be messy?
A) As part of the birth kit I needed to buy 3 plastic shower curtain liners. I also needed to have several towels on hand. I had chux pads and depends for after the birth. My midwife and her assistant (and possibly others, I'm not really sure) cleaned up everything after Roger was born while Chris and I were cuddling with him in our bed. I wore a navy blue swim skirt (without sewn in panties) and a black tank top, and both look great. There's no stains on my towels, and my midwife and her assistant even did the towel laundry. I honestly didn't have to clean anything up. The only thing that got any blood on it was the bathroom mats, and that happened long after the birth. Luckily, everything I buy is machine washable :)

Q) Isn't it dangerous?
A) Not in most cases. In most cases, you will be less likely to have interventions. Interventions can cause complications. Most homebirth midwives report a 1-2% transfer rate (that is, when the birth is transferred to a hospital), and when I asked about it I was told even then, it's usually because the mom decides she wants an epidural after all. In Europe, homebirth is a lot more common. This blog post explains data from a study in the Netherlands (where homebirth is even more common than hospital birth) showing that at least in the Netherlands, homebirth was less risky. The study, which appeared in the peer-reviewed journal BMJ, is linked at the bottom of the post.

Q) How do they know how the baby is doing if they don't have you hooked up to a machine?
A) Continuous electronic fetal monitoring, which is the norm in hospitals, is not necessary and is actually contrary to scientific evidence. At home, or in a birth center or even a hospital if you are birthing naturally, you have the option to have intermittent fetal monitoring, where your provider checks the baby's heart rate a few times an hour until the pushing stage, and then more frequently. Here's a great article explaining why intermittent fetal monitoring, by hand, is preferable to continuous fetal monitoring, by machine.

Q) What if the cord is around the neck?
A) This is called a nuchal cord and happens in about 1/3 of all births, so midwives see it all the time. It happened when I was born (at home) and I was fine. Recent studies show that nuchal cords are not associated with many adverse outcomes people typically think of. Here are some great reads on nuchal cords.
Abstract of a study showing absence of adverse effects with nuchal cords (quick read).
Blog article based on a PhD thesis exploring best practices for nuchal cords.
Comprehensive article with many references on nuchal cords.

Q) What if your baby needs oxygen?
A) My midwife brought an oxygen tank and administered it to my baby. If you are thinking about a home birth and are concerned about this, ask in the initial interview/consult with the midwife if she brings oxygen to births.

Q) What will they do with the placenta?
A) I chose to encapsulate my placenta. My midwife's assistant took my placenta to a woman who encapsulates placentas. A few days later my husband went and picked up my placenta which had been encapsulated (turned into pills). All mammals except humans eat their placentas because it's good for you. It stimulates milk supply and helps with hormonal balance (all those hormones in the placenta suddenly leave when you give birth. What then?). People who choose not to encapsulate their placenta can discuss with their midwife what is usually done (remember, this is very routine for a homebirth midwife). Here's a web site about why ingesting your own placenta is beneficial.

Q) Is it expensive?
A) For us it was actually cheaper than hospital birth. The total fee from the midwife, for prenatal care, birth, and postpartum visits, was equal to our hospital deductible, after which our insurance would have covered 80% of everything else. My guess is that we would have spent about $500-$1500 more on a hospital birth.

Q) Why not just do a birthing center?
A) I considered it at first. It was more expensive, and there was no certainty about who would deliver my baby, since our local birthing center is run by a group of midwives. Plus, they make you go home a few hours after giving birth, and I wouldn't have wanted to sit in a car. I was pretty sore until I got my stitches out a week later. I am not against birthing centers (or hospitals, for that matter), but it wasn't a good fit for us.

Here are some other things that were awesome about homebirth, that you may not get in a hospital:
-Less interventions.
-Dad is involved. Chris was super helpful throughout my labor and birth and I think it helped him bond with Roger.
-Lots of time with baby immediately following birth. We got to hold Roger for about 2 hours after he was born before they did anything. At that point, they did his checkup, including weighing and measuring, and my stitches.
-Have in attendance who you like. Sometimes hospitals are great about this, and sometimes not. My nieces and nephews got to see the baby a few hours after he was born, and my husband, mother, sister-in-law, and a baby niece were present throughout labor and birth.
-Be with your provider for a long time. My midwife was there for many hours. In a hospital, if you are lucky enough to have your doctor be the one who delivers your baby, they usually don't stay for very long, and you just have to hope your nurses are awesome.
-Labor how you like. I didn't have an IV or constant monitors tying me down (though they did check baby's heartbeat probably about once an hour). I was free to eat, drink, and move around except for one hour when my midwife administered evening primrose oil to me (not orally) and had me lie down for an hour for them to dissolve.
-No car trip home. You're already there.

While you're at it reading about natural birthing, watch this video to see why it is so vital to NOT cut the umbilical cord immediately after giving birth. I feel more strongly about this than about anything else birth related. Watch the video about optimal cord clamping.

Home Hypnobirth - Baby Roger

This is the story of my home hypnobirth. It has pictures. I promise it’s rated PG. Unless you’re offended by tank tops, swim skirts, pregnant bellies, or birthing language, you should be okay to continue.

All pictures were taken by Amy, my sister-in-law (she is a professional photographer). Even more can be seen on her site here. 

Hypnobirthing language: a surge is a contraction. Waters releasing means water breaking. We also say “breathing the baby down” instead of pushing, but in my case it felt like pushing so I’m using that.

I guess it really all started with being forced onto maternity leave. I didn't want to take maternity leave because my baby wasn't here to enjoy/take care of. Why stay home and "enjoy myself"? But because the principal thought it was too great a risk factor now that I was overdue, I was asked to stop coming to work.

No baby, no work, no desire to do anything productive, and ridiculously pregnant. I can’t tell you how bored I was that Thursday. I remembered something about pineapple and labor, so I looked it up online. Some women swore pineapple brought on labor. Others swore it did nothing – but they were mostly 37 weeks along or so when they tried it. I was 40 weeks, 4 days (or something like that). And there was a whole, fresh pineapple on my counter. You know what I did. I ate an entire half of a pineapple by myself that night. It was delicious.

When I woke up, I googled “how long after the bloody show did you go into labor?” because guess what happened in my sleep? It seemed I would probably go into labor within a day or so. YAY! Except here I was again with no work, and my husband was at work, and I was just waiting for something to happen. I had an appointment with my midwife at 3:30 and wasn’t sure if I should keep it since I would probably go into labor, but I decided I might as well. When I got there, I went into labor. Hah! I wasn’t sure if it would continue or not, because I’d had a few times where I’d have a couple surges and then it would subside, but this time it continued. I wasn’t in pain. I was uncomfortable. When my husband Chris got home from work, I was pretty excited and asked him to help me time the surges (he had downloaded an app on his ipod touch). They were about 5 minutes apart, lasting just under a minute. After dinner and a lot of bouncing on my birth ball, we decided to play an online video game, League of Legends, with my brother Ben. I was kind of distracted throughout the game and hadn’t played in maybe a year, but I was still the best player on the team. I was amazing. Just thought I’d throw that in.

So then it was about 10:30 pm, and I didn’t know if I should sleep or not. I called my midwife, Melody, and let her know what was going on. She said I should try to sleep, so I told her to sleep too – and my husband, and my mom, and my sister-in-law Amy (who was going to be there taking pictures). Well, I found out that while my surges were only a minor discomfort while sitting, it was pretty much torture to lie down (on my side of course, not my back – that would have been far worse). I didn’t know what to do. Amy suggested I sleep sitting. DUH! So I sat in my soft rocking chair and slept until 1:30 am.

I went to the bathroom and realized my waters had released – not all at once, though, it was just a slow leak. I put on a diaper (well, “Depends” I guess, but it felt like a diaper) to monitor whether there was meconium. There was, but it turned out to be ok. My surges had gotten much more intense, which must be what woke me up, so I woke up Chris and my mom and my midwife and Amy. I can’t remember for sure, but I think my surges were 4 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute at that point. Anyhow, everyone came. There was my husband, obviously, and my mom came, and Melody (midwife) and Shauna (her assistant – a midwife in training), and Amy, and Amy’s baby because obviously little babies need to be with Mom!

One of the main problems was filling up the birthing pool/tub. We lined it with thick, soft blankets followed by a plastic liner, but couldn’t get the hose to attach to anything to get water into it. It ended up that Amy and Shauna filed it up with a bucket and a very large bowl, getting warm water from the tub. I think that was the first of Amy’s non-photography tasks, but she ended up doing a LOT more than take pictures.

We put on some soft and gentle music that I had picked out previously. Everybody started getting in their roles. Shauna checked on me and on the baby (his heart), Mom and Chris started helping me feel more comfortable by applying pressure to pressure points (on my back and hand), and Amy did everything in the world. Melody fell asleep on the couch because she felt ill. Poor Melody. When she woke up, she did all my dishes. Poor Melody. J

Serene Heather, Mom applying pressure to hand, Chris applying pressure to back

Chris started getting really sleepy. He sounded like a zombie. I told him to go to sleep, but he protested. We argued about it for a while, and finally I told him, “you’re so sleepy you’re making me mad! Go to sleep!” And so he did. For a really, really long time. 

Back pressure points during a surge, Chris sleeping

Chris had been applying pressure to my back (kind of above the scapula – you can see in the pictures), so Shauna took over that job. Mom stayed on the hand pressure point and made sure I got enough fluid. Amy did whatever job was needed, like if Mom or Shauna had to go do something else. For hydration, I drank coconut water, which is delicious and apparently the drink most similar to our body’s fluids. Someone brought me snacks. Shauna kept checking the baby's heart rate. Melody and Shauna used oils and herbal medicines on me, I don’t know which ones – I just took whatever they gave because I trust Melody and she’s amazing. All this time, I had no desire to be “checked.” I didn’t really want to know how dilated I was, I just wanted to keep breathing through the surges, sitting in the tub, and just letting labor happen.

Shauna checking the baby's heart

One funny thing that happened while Chris was asleep was that he kept snoring very loudly the whole time and it was kind of obnoxious so I finally suggested someone put his mouth guard in for him – he’d forgot. It’s meant to protect his teeth from grinding but a side benefit is that he snores very little with it in. No one wanted to do it and I didn’t want to get out of the birthing tub, but finally my mom volunteered. I told her to just open his mouth and pop it in. Well, when she tried to open his mouth, he snatched the mouth guard from her other hand and shoved it in his mouth very quickly – without waking up. We were all laughing for some time over how funny he looked when he did that.

Eventually, after about 5 or 6 hours, Chris woke up. He resumed his duties of pressure during surges, comfort and support all the time, and gentle touches (like light touch massage) between surges. I really can't say enough about how great he was, and also everyone there.

Chris comforting and supporting me

Then Melody asked if she could check me. I finally said yes, and that was the most painful part of labor up to that point – and I was only at a 3! I was not very happy about that. I’d been in labor for maybe 15 hours and was less than 1/3 of the way there? Not my favorite news ever. Melody told Shauna to try mental imagery with me, so I was directed to picture melting butter. It was kind of nice, though it sounds silly. More hours passed pretty much the same way – pressure points, drinks, pictures, baby’s heartbeat. Checked again. 4 cm dilated. It was 11 am. And then Melody made me mad, which is apparently a good tactic.

She said she was going to put evening primrose oil into my cervix and that I would have to lie down on my side for at least an hour (remember how lying down was horrible?) and that she was going home and that I probably wouldn’t give birth until between 8 and 10 pm. But also, she said that I have control over that. And then she put evening primrose in me while I was lying down and then she left. Amy went home too, because she had 3 kids at home that needed to be looked after. And I was very, very upset. And lying down did NOT feel good.

We put on a hypnobirthing CD, which in hindsight, I wish I’d done earlier. I listened to Rainbow Relaxation on repeat the whole hour I had to lie there. That script is magical. Even as uncomfortable as I was lying down, I fell asleep a few times for a few minutes at a time. I was pretty relaxed considering my uncomfortable position. I was still kind of mad, though. I was tired and didn’t want to be in labor another 10 or so hours.

After my hour was up, I got up and labor got more intense. I was still pretty calm, but I definitely felt a difference in the surges. Shauna sounded very positive about how things were going (she stayed even though Melody left). I think it was at about 1:30 that I called Amy and Melody to come back. Another sister-in-law, Nikki, volunteered to watch Amy’s kids while Amy finished helping with and photographing the birth. Since Nikki lives only a few blocks away from me, that was pretty convenient for everyone (except possibly Nikki, who was volunteering to watch 3 high-energy kids for an unknown amount of time). So everyone came back and things continued to get more intense.

Probably around 3:45, I threw up what felt like the entire contents of my body, except for the baby. I had been very tired before that, but after that I was completely drained of all ability to maneuver. I couldn’t sit up anymore and had to lie down (I know, my favorite position again). Chris held me in bed and continued to support me during surges with the pressure points. Everyone was so positive and kept telling me I could do this. Melody checked me again and I was 7.5 cm dilated.

Chris holding me in bed

I’d heard that when you’re about to give birth, you say “I can’t do this ANYMORE!” and was surprised to hear those words come out of my mouth about a minute after that check. My mom told me that Melody checked again and I was 8.5 cm then, but I don’t even remember that. My body took over, which was good considering I couldn’t will myself to do anything because I was so weak. 10 cm be darned, this baby was coming out. I knew that because my body just started pushing. It was the strangest feeling. I didn’t try to make it start and certainly couldn’t have made it stop. All I could do is try to breathe through it like everyone was telling me, but there was actually a lot of pain and I was pretty overwhelmed. I guess the pain had been there through many of the contractions, but it was completely bearable with the help of all these loving people, until this moment.

Melody told me I needed to go to the birthing stool (there was no way I could have got into the tub). I was like, “I CAN’T MOVE!!!!!” and she said “that’s okay, we can carry you.” I also wailed that I couldn’t even sit up because I was too weak, but they set things up so Chris could hold me up. Chris carried me to the birth stool and sat behind me, holding all of my upper body weight. I needed him so much at that moment and I’m so glad he was there. I could feel these extraordinarily powerful surges that were pushing the baby out and it was so hard for me. I didn’t know how close to the end I was. All I could do was focus on making the low sounds everyone was telling me to make and try to listen to everyone saying “you can do this! You’ve got this!” Melody told me to reach down and feel his head. I felt his head and hair! That was really encouraging.

Chris supporting me on the birth stool between and during pushes

Someone tried to show me the head coming out in a mirror. I didn’t have my glasses on so I could barely make it out, but I could kind of see it. And not very much later, Melody said, “his head’s out!” I didn’t know if she meant that he was crowning or if his head was actually completely out, but then I felt his body slide out and he was placed on my leg and started getting goop suctioned out of him. I couldn’t believe he was here! The actual pushing had only lasted maybe 10 or 15 minutes. Once he was out, I said over and over, “it’s my baby! It’s my baby!” and was so overwhelmed and happy and relieved. And I heard him cry a little bit, and then he was placed in my arms, on my stomach, and he was wrapped in a towel to be warm, and wiped clean. And there we were, with our actual baby in my actual arms, and I was in Chris’ arms, and everything was so perfect.

Receiving our baby

Shauna was trying to make sure everything got written down, but when little Roger made an appearance everybody was just so amazed and happy that nobody looked at the time. It was 4:25 by the time someone realized we hadn’t noted the time of birth, so we just guessed – it had been just a few minutes. I’m saying he was born at 4:20 because 4:20 on 4/20 sounds cool, although I’ve been informed this has something to do with marijuana – but I don’t care.

The placenta was born – which, as I’d heard, was really not that hard after a baby. Melody asked Chris if he wanted to clamp and cut the cord. He wasn’t sure he did, but I asked him to, and he agreed to. Melody helped him to do it just right. I’m glad he did it. I’m really just glad that he was so involved in everything. It was so amazing to have our little son and that we were both so instrumental in his birth.

Roger holding tight to Dad and Mom while receiving oxygen

We had some time with our baby. It was so wonderful to be with my husband and new baby, our little family. I don’t know what everyone else did – clean up, probably. Drain the tub. I don’t know, I was pretty much completely oblivious to everything except our little family. We had a long time together. I’m not sure how long, maybe 2 hours. And then my peaceful time was over, because I had some tearing, and needed some repair work; Roger needed to be examined as well.

Family time & skin to skin contact with Dad

Chris, Mom, and Shauna were a team checking up on Roger. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 4 oz and was 21” long (pretty tall for an average weight baby!) and seemed healthy in every way. I, on the other hand, was in torture. I am certain that getting poked with lidocaine what felt like a million times was far more painful than any part of childbirth and probably even than all of it put together. Maybe that’s because I hadn’t taken a hypno-lidocaine class or something, but it was awful. Of course, the stitches were no big deal once I was numb. Amy, Melody, and me were a team for my stitches. I guess it's good that Melody was stitching and Amy was helping and I couldn't see any of it, because I think I would have passed out doing either of their jobs.

Then Melody told me I needed to go pee. I was like, “what? Why?” and she said, “we need to make sure you can. And if you can’t, you’re going to have to have a catheter.” My response? “Are you kidding me? Can I pee? I can do ANYTHING!” By the way, I didn’t know that some women can’t pee after childbirth. I could, though, just like I said.

I guess you can say I was incredibly empowered by birth.

Happy family

A new job

Surprise! I got a job!

Well, okay, if you're reading this, chances are you already knew that. I work at American Leadership Academy in Spanish Fork. I wasn't actually planning on getting a job, but it happened anyway. I still tutor on the side, so I'm incredibly busy now.

Every day I have stories about my students. 7th graders are just funny! I teach four classes of 7th grade math (all the same concepts - whew!), which comes out to 74 students. I know them all now - their names, their behaviors, and whether they have good grades or not. Some students just will NOT turn in homework, no matter what you do! But overall, I have a lot of fun with the kids, and it's nice to be so busy. It keeps me from getting bored.

Unfortunately, it also keeps me from seeing Chris. I work 8-4, and he works 2-10:30, so if we see each other at all, it's either me coming to visit him for his break at work, or else I see him when I should be sleeping. Oh, except the weekends. Saturday and Sunday are SO PRECIOUS now! They're our only days together, and even considering that we are often so booked up on weekends that it's hard to feel like we really are spending quality time together. I'm pretty excited for spring break! I'll get to see my husband!